


Monster

by foggynelson



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, hoenstly tho i just love raphael and i need !!! more apprecation for him, i dont write angst i dont like angst and yet???, wow this is so so emo can u believe????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 04:55:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8314675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foggynelson/pseuds/foggynelson
Summary: Raphael has always known he was a monster.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [worry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/worry/gifts).



Raphael has always known he was a monster. Well, maybe not always. There was a time when he was too young to know there were monsters that existed outside of the stories his mother used to read him at night. There was a time he didn’t know men could be monsters.

It wasn’t long before he found it out, though. He grew up with these - these thoughts that kept attacking him, would keep him up at night, never leaving him alone for any moment. Thoughts of things he knew he didn’t want to do. He didn’t want to hurt himself. He didn’t want to hurt his brothers. And yet - yet the thoughts kept coming, kept coming and coming and Raphael didn’t know why or how to stop them. All he knew was he was a monster for thinking them.

He tried to repent of it, going to confession and bearing his soul, telling the priest of his thoughts, but there was no solution for him. He prayed, he said his Hail Marys. He asked for more and more penance from the Father, but none ever made the thoughts go away. 

He never told his mother about them. He couldn’t imagine burdening her with this - with the knowledge that despite being the best mother a person could ask for, she had given birth to a monster, to a demon. 

Things only got worse as he got older. Not only did those thoughts grow, become stronger, more powerful, they were accompanied by another type of thought. This was different. 

Growing up, he had been told of horrors of homosexuality. Gay people were evil. Gay people were _monsters_. And Raphael was… Well. Raphael wasn’t gay. He couldn’t be. But his thoughts, sometimes they wandered over to his best friend and how nice it would be to hold his hand. Hold him. Kiss him. 

And maybe - maybe that’s what brought him here. He had to prove himself. He had to fight against whoever was murdering boys in his neighborhood. _These_ were monsters. Not Raphael. Right? Right? _Right_? Raphael wasn’t sure, but if he killed a monster, would that redeem him? Would it save him?

Only - only - only… It didn’t. Raphael wasn’t saved. He wasn’t redeemed. He doesn’t remember dying, but he does remember his new birth. He does remember his need for blood. His thoughts were jumbled and while he could control himself before, he couldn’t now. He couldn’t stop and there was blood everywhere and Raphael knew. He finally knew: he was a monster and there was no saving him.  


* * *

  
“You’re a monster.” The words hit Raphael and he knows it. He’s always known it. And yet - yet yet Yet! hearing Simon say the words hurts Raphael more than he would have imagined. And then as Simon says, “I’m a monster,” every bone in Raphael aches. His heart aches. His hands shake. Because Raphael is a monster, yes, but Simon… He’s not. 

And Raphael wants to tell him this, but he can’t express it. Not well. Not right. Because maybe he didn’t do this to Simon, maybe it was Camille, maybe it was Clary’s choice, but Raphael was at the center. If it wasn’t for him, Simon wouldn’t have drank Camille’s blood. He wouldn’t have come back. He wouldn’t… He would…. Simon would still be alive if it wasn’t for Raphael.

If Raphael hadn’t been a monster before, this would have made him one.  


* * *

  
Raphael tries. He tries and tries and… Sometimes he feels okay. Sometimes he feels more human, less demon. He helps Simon and the Shadowhunter girl. He gives blood to save Jace. He rescues the seelie Meliorn. He does good. He knows it’s not enough. It will never be enough and Raphael knows that.

Still, he tries. Leading the clan is hard and despite himself, Raphael finds himself relying on those around him. Lily helps out a lot and Raphael reaches out to Magnus, asking for advice. He even begins to trust Simon, talking to him late at night, discussing things from vampire politics to which superhero was best (answer: Superman, hands down). 

And it’s soft. Raphael is still a monster but maybe, oh _maybe_ , he’s a good monster, like those good witches in the storybook who would help out the princess find her true love. He was still evil, still Wrong and _bad_. But maybe… not as much as he once thought.

For the first time since he was changed, Raphael finds himself full of thoughts of love and romance. He had thought… a part of him thought the change had taken that part away from him. He had had some small thoughts here and there, but now, this.... It was stronger, different, more intense than it had been when he was human. 

It made sense that he loved Simon, though. Simon was brightness and pure and light and all of these things that Raphael can’t have. All these things he’s hidden from for years. He holds his cross in his hand as he thinks of Simon. He doesn’t hate himself for thinking these things. He knows this isn’t the reason he’s a monster. 

He can’t have Simon. He knows that, too. He’s sunshine and Raphael is a vampire and if he even touches Simon, he’ll burn, he’ll die. And part of Raphael wonders if it would be worth it. Being open enough, vulnerable enough to reach for the sun… 

Raphael doesn’t risk it. He can’t. But when he sleeps, he dreams of the sunrise and for the first time, it’s light doesn’t hurt him. It’s warm and soft and _safe_.  


* * *

  
Then… then. Then! It happens. Raphael feels so many things at once he can’t place them all. “I’m disappointed in you,” he says, but that doesn’t even begin to cover it. Simon looks… almost sad. And Raphael hates that this part of him wants to do nothing more than comfort the other.

But he can’t. That’s not what he’s supposed to do, what he has to do now. Because there are more important things. Camille is standing in front of him and Raphael wants to kill her. He knows there were reasons he didn’t do it before, but he can’t think of any as he stares into her dark eyes.

She’s a monster and Raphael wonders if she always was one. But even if Raphael is a monster, too, he is not like her. He will never be. But that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter! Simon chose Camille over him, chose Shadowhunters over the clan, over his own family. 

It’s not surprising when Raphael says, “Kill them.” He doesn’t want Simon dead, not really. But Raphael… Raphael is a monster, yes, but that’s not why he say it. He says it because he has others he’s in charge of, other people he cares for and watches over. And they’re what matter, their safety, their protection. And Camille’s death is what’s best. And Simon’s… Raphael doesn’t know what is right and what is wrong but… 

It doesn’t matter. They don’t have the chance to kill anyone as the sun is in the room, as the sun is touching Raphael and burning him, Raphael wincing in pain. He looks down at his hand, sees the blisters that are growing on his skin.

Raphael knew the sun was going to burn him one day. 

He wasn’t expecting it to happen twice.

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry for this???? Please, please let me know what you think, though. It would mean so, so much.


End file.
